Background: Mindy and Mark dated for two years and have been married for 4 years. They both are happy with the marriage and are committed to keeping it intact. Before they were married Mark still allowed himself sexual experiences with other women while also having sex with Mindy. Mindy was aware of his sexual behavior while they dated. Since marriage Mark has been faithful to his wife. They have sex everyday, and even after 4 years, often have sex 2 or 3 (or more) times per day. Mark has always had a very strong sexual appetite and has more than once asked Mindy if they could have a three-some or go to orgys.
So far, Mark is adamant that he has not had sexual relations with anyone outside of their marriage. He also claims that he just likes the physicality of sex and does not want to impose excessively on his wife, whom her loves and respects and is aware is reaching her limits. He has no interest in developing an emotional relationship with anyone else and does not want to hurt his wife. Mark has tried porn sites so he can masturbate, but finds this does not deeply satisfy him, nor give the range of physical experience he desires.
Problem: Mindy knows Mark has a sexual appetite that is much stronger than hers. She is afraid she cannot satisfy him on her own but is not the least bit interested in having a three-some of any kind or participating in a orgy. She believes Mark loves her and is not interested in developing another relationship. However, she is growing resentful of his sexual demands and finds that the amount of sex they have is ruining the experience of it for her. For Mindy it is just too much sex already. Mindy wants Mark to be satisfied sexually but is conflicted about letting him have sex outside of their marriage. They both are concerned about the others needs and understand that those needs conflict.
Questions: Whose needs are more important? How can both these people get what they need and stay happily married?
Dr. Vaune’s Advice: The first question is the easy one. Both of their needs are important with neither being more important. They are simply both important. It makes no sense to get into issues about emotional vs. physical needs and I do not stand with the crowd that always puts the man’s needs first. That only works for the man, and only so far even for him. Once his mate becomes depressed, or resentful, or angry, he won’t be happy anyway. So a larger and more equitable view is necessary for a reasonably fair solution that takes into account both partners needs. Mark is showing good form by restraining himself out of respect and consideration for his wife. Mindy is showing good faith by recognizing her limits, yet wanting her husband to be fulfilled beyond her reasonable capacity to accommodate.
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The second question is trickier. This couple needs to discuss options. If Mindy is confident Mark is immune to developing emotional connections with another woman with whom he has sexual relations, then perhaps they can reach an agreement about parameters and boundaries that would allow Mark to ‘work out’ his physical needs.
They should also discuss whether or not Mindy needs to know when Mark is going on a sexual adventure, how that should be handled between them – the protocol, so everything is on the up and up. If Mindy becomes concerned at any time about Marks escapades, Mark must stop and find some other way to ‘work out’…like wrestling, martial arts, mixed martial arts, or at the gym, etc. until Mindy’s concern passes.
Also, Mark needs to be held accountable to not have repeat experiences with the same person, therefore limiting the odds he might get attached, and must always practice safe sex, and perhaps limit himself to times when his wife says she has had enough for now. I must say, this subject is covered at length in The Life Mate Questions book. This is a critical topic that this couple would have been wiser to have had open conversation about prior to marriage. But, hey, better late than never, no?
*Disclaimer: These are real problems, but fake names.
What are your thoughts on this matter?
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